"I've spent over twenty years striving not to be defeated."
I have severe depression and anxiety , which I believe are inherited, and I have been taking medication daily for over twenty years to get through my days, constantly struggling to improve and needing support from others.
I think I'm like a warrior with dark thoughts inside, attacking and destroying myself, but a good person on the outside. And yet, I have the great satisfaction of knowing I've had the strength to start a family and raise it in the role I've been given. My family's love has been unconditional.
It's amazing the things I remember from when I was very little, really, really bad things, so bad that I'm even crying as I write this. I have them inside me and I wish they would disappear, but I grew up with them, and I may not remember what I ate yesterday, but I do remember what was going through my head and what I did when I was a kid; I remember it like it was yesterday.
My father, who had the same disorder as me, stopped working at 42 and was put on long-term sick leave in France, where we lived. From then on, I was never able to have a proper conversation with him; he was always at home, on the sofa, or playing cards by himself. All day long.
What can we do to prevent depression and relapses?
Work and family
I've always worked. I was self-employed and had a small construction company. I had a major crisis when I was 43 , but when I went to the doctor, he advised me not to stop working, and I listened to him. I worked dizzy, with chest pain, palpitations, headaches, and sometimes my wife even had to come to the construction site because I got vertigo and couldn't go home. If I felt drowsy, I slept in the van, and then the back pain would make it so bad I couldn't even walk. It was very hard, but it was also very hard to spend the day on the sofa suffering; all things considered, I kept working , always with my wife's help. I think that, in part, thanks to that, to that strength to keep going, at 66 I'm still striving to do things.
He worked feeling dizzy, with chest pain, palpitations, headaches and vertigo, but it was even harder to spend the day on the sofa suffering.
Throughout this long journey, my family has played and continues to play a vital role . I have always felt loved by them, and they have always relied on me for everything, even during times of crisis when I couldn't even make decisions. During those crucial periods, they helped me in every way. I always say that my wife is the pillar we all lean on; she accompanies me to doctors, shopping, walks, and on weekend outings. But in reality, I believe that, in one way or another, everyone in my family is a pillar of support for each other.
And along the way , I've lost touch with my friends . But when I'm in a crisis, I don't want to be with anyone, only with the people who help and understand me. But when I'm in a crisis, things I've always enjoyed bother me, everything bothers me, I bother myself, even my body bothers me, and I have absolutely no desire to take care of it.
The satisfaction of writing
I've been lucky to always have someone by my side who gives me love, and that has helped me tremendously to not give up . But medication, healthcare professionals, continuing to work, listening to my family, asking for help when I can't take it anymore, constantly fighting my bad and horrible thoughts, and writing have also helped me.
Having someone always by my side who has given me love has helped me a lot to not let myself be defeated.
I have a book I'm particularly fond of, one I've finally been able to publish, which I wrote over 30 years ago, titled Casual Rebel . In it, through a love story about saving a girl who feels different from everyone else, ignored and abandoned because of her attitude, I try to explain how a mental health disorder can affect childhood.
Aside from the immense satisfaction of having finished and published the book, it has brought me countless hugs, kisses, smiles, and expressions of gratitude. It has given me love and the ability to love it. But the best thing of all was when my son, while showing me his new apartment, pointed to the bookshelf and said, "Here I have the best book I've ever read, and I have to read it again." And it was mine.
Pedro Guevara Martínez has suffered from major depression for over twenty years, during which relapses and recoveries have been a constant in his life. Family, work, and the ability to keep going have been three important pillars in this journey. But so too has writing , a way to lay himself bare and "fight against bad thoughts." With great effort, he has published his first novel, Rebelde Casual (Casual Rebel ), a story that addresses mental health in childhood and love as salvation.
