"I was in pieces, and those pieces were made of me."
My name is Eva Igualada and a few years ago I had mental health problems, something I'm not ashamed of now. Why be ashamed of it?
From a young age, I didn't have an easy childhood, neither with my family nor at school. And at nine years old, I started having problems with eating, or rather, with myself. As a result, I began to have all sorts of problems: behavioral issues, several suicide attempts, addictions… and numerous hospitalizations in various psychiatric wards, until I ended up, as I've always said, a living death, with the enormous label of " borderline personality disorder ."
There came a point when no one believed I could be okay, not even myself. The hatred I felt for myself, for the world, and for life itself caused me to fall into a deep, dark pit from which it was very difficult to climb out.
The most important thing for me has been everything I've learned during the writing process. Thanks to all of that, I've become who I am now, with all my strengths and weaknesses.
About ten years ago, when I began my recovery , I decided to write a book, something I'd actually considered writing when I was sixteen, during one of my hospital stays, when I didn't speak to anyone, I just wrote and wrote. That's when I came up with the title I eventually published it under: Through the Looking Glass . My book is a first-person autobiography about everything that happened during those years , but the most important thing for me has been the introspective work and everything I've learned throughout the writing process. Thanks to all of that, I've become who I am now, with all my strengths and weaknesses. With it, I try to offer a different perspective on borderline personality disorder and all that it entails.
Raising awareness of borderline personality disorder
I believe that even today, we still need to delve deeper into this personality disorder. It's not something you're born with, it's not something you choose, and certainly not something that anyone who suffers from it enjoys. We must start from the premise that personality is formed during childhood and adolescence, and that family and the social context in which a person lives are fundamental for the proper, functional development of emotions. The family plays a very important role in this, so, in my opinion, we should work more deeply and collaboratively, not just with the affected individual. By working together, educating the parents, listening to the person with the disorder, and carrying out interdisciplinary work among all professionals, I believe we can help someone in this situation.
I myself found myself in many situations where I wasn't heard and where no one believed my words, because I was the one distorting the truth, the one misinterpreting it, and that wasn't the case. The prejudices and stigmas surrounding mental health , and especially, I would venture to say, borderline personality disorder, make it difficult to help; the lack of staff in psychiatric units and the limited communication and active listening don't help much either. That's why it's necessary to give these people a voice.
From my perspective, I believe there is still a long way to go in the field of mental health, and I think we need to raise awareness of these almost invisible disorders. We need specialized personnel, training, and a great deal of empathy, and I can say this from personal experience after having dedicated the last ten years of my life to working in mental health.
When you're labeled "crazy," even you start to believe it yourself. When you're told repeatedly that it's a chronic disorder (which I've clearly learned isn't the case), you don't think about moving forward . You think that's enough, that you don't deserve this, and that it's better to be dead than to live your whole life suffering and fighting for something that will never come: happiness. But it is possible, when you realize that everything depends on you, that you're the one who has to believe in yourself, step out into the world , and say, "I'm staying here. I deserve to be happy. I choose to live."
There comes a point when you think you can't go on, that you don't deserve to be going through this, and that you'll never be happy. Until you realize that you're the one who has to believe in yourself.
I need to share, as I do in my book, that with a good support network—social, educational, and above all, with the will and self-confidence— a person can make a successful recovery and lead a completely "normal" life. Recovery isn't easy, nor is returning to society, but it can be done. I've been lucky to have a father, a sister, and friends who have always supported me, not always in the way I wanted, but in the way I needed, especially by setting clear boundaries, which is what allowed me to move forward.
An excerpt from the book 'Through the Looking Glass'
I want to share an excerpt from the final poem of my book:
"The day I learned by rewriting my story, that I am the one in charge, that I am the one who decides who sits next to me to watch the movie of my life without needing someone by my side to avoid feeling alone, the day I grew up understanding each and every version of others, that nobody is born with an instruction manual and that we all make mistakes, many mistakes, that words hurt more than blows and that you have to think carefully about what you say so as not to hurt, because an apology is valid once, the next time it's no longer valid for me and it shouldn't be valid for others either."
When I realized, as Papa Alpha said, that "haste kills and what you believe is eternal is more ephemeral than you imagine," when I filled those voids, black holes, and pains with myself, getting to know myself, respecting myself, and setting limits.
When I grabbed certain hands that acted as a lifeline in moments of darkness, because yes, we all need someone to rescue us from our destructive thoughts sometimes.
The day I confirmed that people lie, but that the biggest lie is the one you don't want to see and the one you tell yourself until you believe it.
When you realize that absolute happiness doesn't exist, that it's made up of small happy moments that make your life beautiful.
When I realized that there were people who loved me for who I was when I didn't love myself, I also realized that the saying "love yourself so you can love others" was a lie, that there will always be someone who gives you a little bit of love, the question is whether you accept that love."
Eva Igualada has written about her life experience in the book *Through the Looking Glass *, a testament to overcoming adversity with which she hopes to contribute to eliminating the prejudices surrounding mental health. It's a story full of light for others who, like her, may be experiencing despair, until one day they can "step into the world and say, 'I'm staying here, I deserve to be happy, I choose to live.'"
Writing has been a way for Eva to express what she has felt during this long road to recovery, and now it's her way of raising awareness about mental health disorders and the people who live with them. She tells us all about it in this testimony, in which she also shares an excerpt from her work.
